This is just something funny that Jonathan printed out and had me read when we were in California last month:
Whenever I get a packet of M&M’s, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the sweet as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.
Taking two M&M’s between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That one is the loser, and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner continues to the next round.
I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&M’s are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&M’s as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.
Occasionally I will get a mutation, an M&M that is mis-shapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.
When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, a Division of Mars, Inc., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free pound of M&M’s. I consider this grant money. I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.
From a field of hundreds, we will discover the true champion.
There can only be one.